NachoQuest

0: Alexander's Tavern

When I saddled up to take on this mammoth plate of nachos at Alexander's Tavern I was immediately pleased; every dictum of the Nacho Manifesto had been satisfied. Layered nachos with toppings on every conceivable part, generous helpings of cheese, pico, jalapeños, and chicken (2 bucks extra) - basically everything you'd want on a fat pile of nachos.

In the flavor department, I have no complaints either - the cheese is melty and awesome, the jalapeños are spicy, and the chicken was really well grilled. Every chip ended up with something on it, which is exactly what one would expect from some kickass nachos.

Now here comes the painful part. A cursory click on the picture reveals the problem. No guacamole! Which to me is not necessarily a death sentence - if the guacamole were on the side. Sometimes people don't enjoy a huge blob of guac or sour cream on their nachos; they prefer a dip now and again or for the two to be spread evenly over the pile. But these nachos have zero guacamole. Baaaaaad. Another problem which isn't necessarily apparent in the blurrier than hell picture - the beans. Rather than being a refried bean paste of sorts, the bean portion of the plate came out in two ice cream scoops plopped on the sides. The scoops were solid enough to the point that trying to apply bean to chip resulted in a shattered chip. Baaaaad. After a number of tall boys and shots, the bean balls were more likely going to become projectiles than spreadable edibles for the nacho pile.

So while these nachos may not win any awards, they're serviceable. Good flavor, enough other toppings to prevent me from flying into a nacho rage, set at an on-par price point.

3 golden nachos out of 5

1: Lime

Immediately upon viewing the text on the menu for the nachos at Lime, a red flag went up in my head. Described as "single serve" nachos, one can plainly see that these nachos violate the essence of the Nacho Manifesto - in fact I may include a fifth law in the Manifesto against such arrangements. Don't get me wrong, each individual nacho is fully loaded with cheese, chili, sour cream, some tomato, and a single jalapeño - and it tastes just fine. But at the end of the day, you're paying $8.00 for 13 chips total.

But they are arranged all pretty-like right? That counts for something, right?

.....naaah. I want a huge fatass pile of chips and toppings people, especially if I'm paying that much.

2: Mothers Federal Hill Grille

Iggi's Nachos at Mother's Grille (1113 S Charles St., Federal Hill). Normally in the $10 range, add $3 for chicken and ANOTHER $2 for guac if you want them. I was lucky enough to hangover-zombie shuffle my way into the place on a Saturday when nachos were half price (from 1-5pm), and they certainly turned out to be a nacho jackpot of sorts. They take the form of tri-colored tortilla chips with chili, chipotle and cheddar-jack cheese, tomatoes, onions, peppers, and a side of salsa and sour cream.

Mother's made a very smart choice when giving their patrons the salsa and sour cream on the side - you can dip the chips, not use the stuff, or dump them all over the pile. I feel like not enough places do this, and it's great. On the whole these nachos were pretty awesome, especially the novelty of the tricolor chips. There's not much else I can say about it in that regard. However, if you're going to have them on a day where the normal menu price is in effect, potentially spending a whopping $15 on "the works" seems ridiculously expensive, considering you can get virtually the same size serving - or bigger - for less elsewhere (more on that later). So at the end of the day, it's kind of a ratio of quality/quantity/price; you get a big serving of nachos, they taste great, but they're pretty expensive. But then, you are eating at Mother's and most things there are fairly expensive.

5 out of 5 golden nachos ON SATURDAYS

4 out of 5 golden nachos EVERY OTHER DAY

3: Nacho Mama's

Imagine if you will for a moment, that you're me - you're sitting at the bar in Nacho Mama's having a Boh and waiting for your nachos quietly. Sizzling plates of fajitas are going by, tacos and piles of refried beans decorating every table. And then all of a sudden one of those sizzling plates is dropped right in front of you and you see this. What would you say?

Probably something like "HOLY SHIT."

I literally had to lean back a foot or two to take this photo. And you'll notice that you can't actually see the other side of the plate, that's how much stuff is piled onto it. These are truly Macho Nachos. Base price is $7.99, they come with beans, cheese, jalapenos (though not very many), with a sour cream and salsa center. Add beef or chicken for 2 bucks, veggies for one buck, or blackened chicken for 3 bucks.

Now since I've already done a few of these, I'm going to break this down into pros and cons, as these nachos have basically changed the game a bit and I'll more than likely have to rethink the way I'm going about this:

Pros:

• Enormous serving. Truly insane amount of food, big points for that one considering the price.
• Fresh jalapenos.
• The plate is brought to you sizzling hot, with truly molten cheese that will destroy your soul it's so good.

Cons:

• The salsa is not pico, in fact it's more like marinara but with cilantro instead of oregano. It doesn't taste bad per se, but it definitely tastes... different. There's also some sort of lime flavor added that gives the whole thing a certain ...wang to it. I can't describe it, and neither could anyone else I gave a sample to.
• NO GUAC! NOT EVEN AN OPTION TO ADD IT!

But let's face it, the cost/quality/quantity ratio here is out of sight. I believe the score is pretty clear here.

5 out of 5 golden nachos

4: No Way Jose Cafe

I've always enjoyed the food at No Way Jose. I don't care what anyone says, they're mexican is pretty good stuff despite the fact that Blue Agave is practically right next door (not to mention Pop Tacos has awesome burritos etc. for much less) and the "upscale" Federales Cantina is on the horizon. And these nachos are, in short, pretty good stuff too.

But not great.

The nachos have some good, fresh ingredients. Good pico, comes with guacamole and sour cream - and fresh jalapenos. Nice. Especially with a base price of $7.99. ($2 extra for meat) And the chips are light and crispy, in fact they're some of the best tortilla chips I've had, unlike most of the heavily salted chips that most other places have.

And it looks like a nice big plate of nachos, right? ...not necessarily. Unfortunately for these nachos, they violate tenet #3 of the Nacho Manifesto. The toppings seen in the picture are hiding a huge pile of naked, dry, boring chips underneath. NOT RAD GUYS, NOT RAD.

I feel very strongly about tenet #3. Despite the fact that they include most of the ingredients I hope to see in a steaming pile of nachos, at a reasonable price, a big fat pile of naked chips underneath lowers the value substantially.

2 out of 5 golden nachos

5: The Wharf Rat

Apologies for the lousy photo. it was dark and all I had was a cell phone.

I sampled these nachos at Wharf Rat while meeting some long lost friends. Entitled "Harvey Nick's Nachos," they feature veggie or meat chili, onions, olives, shredded cheese, tomatoes, salsa, jalapenos and sour cream ($8.95) with the option to add guacamole for $1.75 (and up) extra. Sadly, that particular night they were out of chili so we were forced to eat the pile without it, but one amongst us was a vegetarian and they knocked off a buck from the price, so it was ok.

And as was stated in rule #4 of the Nacho Manifesto, these nachos stood alone without the meat. Would have made it much better, yes, but this plate was truly heaped with chips and toppings to the point that even while split four ways, everyone received a very satisfying pile to themselves completely covered in sweet, sweet nacho incrediblosity. Gratis guacamole would have been a huge plus; I found it odd that the meat wasn't the optional portion of the plate while the guac was, whereas virtually every other place that serves nachos goes the other way. Regardless, these were some fine, fine nachos and you should eat them the next time you're in the mood for some Oliver Ale.

6: Turp's Sports Grub

Let's just get this out of the way right now: The meatless nacho fiesta comes with salsa, black olives, jalapenos (not fresh), cheddar, gauc and sour cream. For $5.95, add chili for a buck.

But if you're smart/lucky/badass enough (like me) to walk into Turp's on a Thusday evening, nachos are half price. A whopping 3 dollars for these nachos right up in here. The nachos are a good portion for the price - I had no problem eating them by myself. BUT FOR THREE DOLLARS, THEY ARE INSANELY CHEAP. That's even less than 7-11 nachos, the lowest species of nacho.

The fiesta nachos did bring to mind, however, an interesting distinction: bar nachos versus restaurant nachos. As far as bar nachos go, the ones at Turp's are perfectly fine. But in a restaurant setting, where the prices tend to be higher and the servings larger, these nachos would be considered by me to be rather poor. Fortunately, Turp's has found a magical balance between quality and price to fit the bar nacho mold fairly well.

As for the quality, well, they're fine in the flavor department and they come with sour cream and guac by default - which is great. They also feature the light, crispy unsalted chips that I have come to prefer. But, there was not nearly enough cheese on the pile and I found myself having to churn and mix the whole thing just to get every chip to have something on it. Not quite in violation of tenet 3, but kind of close.

At the end of the day, especially a Thursday, I'd eat nachos at Turp's again (so long as they added more cheese).

3 golden nachos out of 5

4 golden nachos out of 5 on Thursdays

7: Pickled Parrot

Nachos from The Pickled Parrot come with chili, tomato, black olives, jalapenos, cheese and sour cream for 8 bucks. And according to the bartender, you can add chicken for another 3 bucks (though it doesn't say so on the menu). Plus, if you're there on a Saturday between 4-7pm, they're half price.

These particular nachos are ...ok I guess. I love the chips they come on - they're toasted, not salty, and there are plenty of them. The toppings are many and there was no shortage of them... except cheese. There was hardly any cheese at all. Barely any. You can see pretty plainly in the picture that the majority of the nachos are bare, and while it wasn't a problem getting a topping or two onto them, there was definitely hardly any cheese. And for 8 bucks, even at half price on a Saturday, they don't quite cut the muster. If they had ample cheese, and let's face it cheese is the most important ingredient in any pile of nachos, I'd reconsider. But they don't!

2 golden nachos out of 5

8: Stalking Horse Tavern

While I normally wouldn't be caught dead in Stalking Horse on a weekend evening, I have to admit they've got some pretty good bar food. Weeknights at Stalking Horse are quiet and usually feature CHEAAAAP specials, so I'd recommend it. At any rate, this is about nachos so let's talk about nachos.

The nachos at Stalking Horse are $6.99 and featured tri-colored chips, cheddar, salsa, guac, sour cream, jalapenos and black olives. For $2.99 more you can add chicken or beef, and for $3.99 more you can add steak or jumbo lump crab meat.

I guess if I had to use a term for the nachos at Stalking Horse it would be "totally adequate." They have all of the toppings people want and/or like, at a very very reasonable price. They satisfy all of the requirements for a decent pile and deliver plenty of flavor and a generous helping, even for two people. This particular serving had just a little too much salsa and not enough cheese, but not so much out of the ordinary as to cause me to hate them uncontrollably.

But one thing sets these nachos apart in my mind that has nothing to do with NachoQuest simply due to the Nacho Manifesto's first law; you can substitute waffle fries for nachos at no additional cost. I'm going to go right ahead and guess that in the event you order waffle fries instead you won't be getting nearly as much, but considering this is an option you see almost nowhere else in the city, I thought it was pretty awesome. If anyone out there has tried them, let me know how they were!

Bottom line: The nachos at Stalking Horse are really good.

Four Golden Nachos out of Five

9: Harbor Que

At the suggestion of some guy with a blog, I moseyed on over to Harborque the other day to try their Carolina Nachos - nachos piled with cheddar cheese, beans, jalapenos, BBQ sauce, and A MILLION POUNDS OF PULLED PORK. For $5.75.

And let me tell you something, these "nachos" transcend the human language in terms of description and can be really only be described using a low frequency sound normally uttered by whales.

There is so much pulled pork on this pile that it becomes more like a "crunchy meat pie with cheese" as opposed to "a pile of nachos." My first bite was pretty easy - I scooped up some cheese, penos and pork and chewed on it, noted the deliciousness and went right for the second bite. But after about five mouthfuls, the sheer density of the nachos began to affect my reality. These things are like dark matter. After six or seven bites, clocks with alarms going off started spinning around my head, my roommates started looking like dragons with bees coming out of their mouths, and the sky turned a darker shade of fuchsia. I'm not entirely certain how much of these pulled pork nachos I actually ate, as I woke up later naked in a ditch on the side of Harford Road somewhere. That was a really awkward cab ride getting home...

Aaaat any rate, these nachos kind of defy a rating. They're certainly not the best, but probably the one of the most unconventional nachos in the city, given the BBQ sauce and baked beans instead of the traditional nacho toppings. Plus, for the money and sheer volume of pulled pork you will inevitably develop meat sweats eating, they're certainly one of the best values for both pulled pork AND nachos going. So for now, I will award the Carolina Nachos from Harborque the Golden Donkey - an award that defies logic and convention, until I can figure out a more appropriate award for them. Kudos.

One Gold Donkey out of One

10: Captain Larrys

When I received word that Federal Hill's Riverside's favorite neighborhood bar, Captain Larry's, had a form of nachos that incorporated my two favorite things - nachos and brunch - I Scooby Doo ran my way down there and immediately used my mouth muscles and tongue to order them.

The BRUNCHOS are $9 and come with tortilla chips topped with scrambled eggs, black beans, choice of bacon or chorizo, melted cheese, avocado & pico with sour cream & salsa.

Things that make this dish awesome to the max: firstly, the chips are well toasted. Secondly, the cheese, bacon and eggs are all layered together, which most other joints don't bother doing. Thirdly, there is a ton of bacon on them. Fourthly, the portion is huge and is best shared among friends.

Which actually brings me to an interestingly foodosophical topic: brunch is a meal that is rarely a shared event. More on that later. At any rate, brunchos are a great idea and they're different enough from chilequiles to warrant their own place in the annals of breakfast greatness. And the chunks of avocado are kickass.

(also they should make non-breakfast nachos, especially if they're this quality)

SO how exactly do I rate such a thing? Breakfast nachos? With a golden donkey, since they're so different? Or with the normal golden nachos? Guess what. They get both.

One golden donkey and four golden nachos out of .....5?

11: Paper Moon Diner

It's like, you know... I tried. I really tried. I tried my hardest to avoid watching the guy behind the counter making these nachos. Throwing a pile of chips onto a plate, throwing on some other stuff and a bunch of cheese, popping it into the oven for a minute or two, then dumping on literally a metric ton of salsa, sour cream and guac and putting it in front of me with a "BAM!"

Needless to say, you can barely see the tricolored chips used as the base for Paper Moon's Machos Nachos under so much salsa, and for 9 bucks (add 3 more for chicken or portabello mushrooms) you'd be well served to avoid them.

But for the sake of record, the nachos come with tomato, onion, black olives and the rest of the stuff I mentioned above. And to be blunt, they were hastily and poorly prepared. And very expensive, considering what you can get for less at other places (chart for comparison forthcoming!). In fact, some of the nachos I've had as of late may warrant a reevaluation of some of my other scores. This was just... guh.

One thing I would note that might be worth trying for the incredibly curious consumer - they have a variation on their standard nachos called "Vegan Nachos" that use hummus and cucumbers rather than sour cream and cheese, for the same price. This I think could be pretty interesting, but considering the quality of the regular nachos I didn't want to consider it myself (that, and I was full from eating the ones I ordered)

...at least it's over with.

Just barely 2 nachos out of 5

12: Holy Frijoles

It has been said by some that miracles exist in this world. Sometimes, lightning strikes twice in the same place, or two bullets fired from opposing guns collide, or a dog gets issued a credit card.

This my friends, is one of those occasions.

I have heard from others and personally experienced legendarily bad food at Holy Frijoles over the years; tales of dried, cracked enchiladas, hard rice that could chip teeth and stale quesadillas that may or may not have been sitting under a rug some where.

But this time, THIS time. I am blown away. These nachos are fantastic. $6 will get you cheese, salsa, jalapenos, black olives and sour cream. For a buck more, your choice of refried or black beans. And for another added dollar, your choice of chicken, steak, beef, chorizo or veggies (those pictured were $8 with black beans and chicken).

What makes them fantastic? Well, the chips are light, unsalted and toasted to an almost-burnt but still damn fine crispiness. The ingredients are well mixed into the pile and there were no naked chips. The serving size, for 8 bucks, is pretty large - especially with meat included. And the salsa is fresh, with just a bit of cilantro.

But what set the value apart in my mind was this: for $11, you can get the "supreme" version of these nachos with EVERY SINGLE OPTIONAL INGREDIENT. $11 for nachos with cheese, salsa, jalapenos, black beans, refried beans, sour cream, olives, and all four meat varieties - AND veggies? Holy crap! Er, Frijoles!

Caveat - and this may or may not explain the quality and timeliness of service during my visit to this 'versial establishment: I was the only one there, and it was during lunch. Your experience may vary and I exempt myself from any and all liability. Either way, this specific plate kicked total ass and it's easily in the top 3.

5 out of 5 golden nachos

13: Riptide By The Bay

Riptide (1718 Thames St., Fells Point) is an establishment regarded mostly for their seafood, so while peering at the menu the other day I thought to myself "Hmm. Nachos. That isn't seafood. I'll order these and eat them with my mouth." These particular nachos start at $8.95, and with chicken added ($3) can get pretty pricey.

They've got the lightly salted tortilla chip base covered, and are topped with a chipotle queso sauce, cilantro crema (what?), pico, corn and jalapenos.

Duly noted that you didn't read the word "cheese" anywhere on that list, because these nachos are devoid of any actual melted cheese. Queso sauce and cilantro crema (what?), as zany and delicious to some as they may be, do not make an adequate substitute for the shredded golden deliciousness one would normally see atop Mount Nachopopolous. Which is not to say these nachos tasted poorly, the ingredients blended together fairly nicely and the portion size was suitable for at least three people, and there was some guacamole sneaking around in there somewhere. I actually wound up getting a box for the leftovers and taking them home, but quite frankly it was because they were $12 and I couldn't in good conscience waste $6 in nachos, even if they are sort of mediocre.

Bottom line here, if you decide to try the nachos at Riptide, ask them *specifically* to add shredded cheese and they'd probably be worth it for you and your friends. Enjoy!

Three golden nachos out of five

14: Phoenix Emporium

I'll usually hit up Phoenix Emporium (8049 Main Street, Ellicott City) specifically for their wide selection of bottled beers ("From around the world!") or maybe a club sandwich on a Sunday, but a few days ago felt that twitchy Nacho Nerve™ twitching again and decided to give the pubbery's "Super Nachos" a whirl. Running at $9.95 these 'chos feature tomato, lettuce, cheese, chili and some sort of paprika dusting with sour cream and salsa on the side. There's more than enough nacho here for two people, and I enjoy the fact that these are flat-priced nachos without that ridiculous "$3 extra for [insert meat or other topping]" seen so often at other establishments.

That's about the only upside. On the downside, these nachos lack a few key ingredients seen practically anywhere else like refried beans, jalapenos, and a little extra cheese would have made them one golden chip higher in rating. The addition of chili is a great thing, but the inclusion of some of the other favorites would have made them that much greater. The oddest part about the whole endeavor as you can sort of see in the photo, the lettuce is like, salad lettuce. Big leaves of lettuce. Lettuce that gets in the way of eating the more important stuff like cheese, chili and chip, that sort of thing.

Having said all of that, maybe Phoenix Emporium should adjust their menu to better reflect the quality of their product; rather than list them as "Super Nachos," perhaps the menu should say "Fairly Adequate Nachos" - though it doesn't really have the same ring to it, I guess.